And So, it Begins.

The end of the year is when you make big plans to kick off your new year with new goals, new ideas, and resolutions that you may or may not stick to. The end of the year is when you put aside and or away belief systems, bad habits you've acquired and tell yourself that you are going to do better in the new year. For most of the population this end of the year ritual absolves our psyche of all the shenanigans we participated in during the year and even symbolically gives us the proverbial clean slate.

The end of the year for me rounding out 2023 resulted in what is now my existence and a long and arduous process to redemption. To get straight to the point I ended up in a very crowded emergency room, sickness everywhere and an understaffed over worked group of medical professionals who tried to send me home without a thorough review of what brought me in.

Somewhere between an impromptu outing for Ramen and Sushi, a nagging pain in my right shoulder blade resulted in my inability to feel my right arm. Lunch plans morphed into the nightmare Ambulance ride from hell, a possible stroke and paralysis and an urgent surgery to save and restore feeling to my right side. All with the potential to lose total loss of movement and not to mention the pain from surgery and the damage to my psyche.

You are probably asking what this has to do with the title...So it begins, was a realization that the world I once lived in was #1 My world just had a MAJOR paradigm shift. #2 my world would NEVER be the same, #3 my husband's life would never be the same and, what would it take for me to channel the mental fortitude to see myself thru these events all happening all at the same time. Let me say this first there is no significance in the numbering they all carried the same weight, and the goal is contingent upon navigating where to start and how to maintain.

In this post I'm not addressing the surgery because that portion of this journey is over maybe someday, we will have a conversation about that in of itself. While in between pain medicine and therapy I'm writing my thoughts to help keep me on the tasks of doing what is most important and that is to keep my head in the game. It's easy to have this type of life altering circumstances. mess with your head and give you a terminal case of the I don't give a fuk it's, if you are wise you won't go down that road and believe me when I tell you I had a brief moment when I was in so much pain and mental anguish I almost climbed up that stupid hill to wallow in some nonsense that almost cost my life, my love, and my sense of self. The true testament to recovery is not how you finish but has everything to do with how you start.

Now let me say this if ever you need some encouragement think of the silver lining in the circumstances. Regardless your religion or your spiritual practice you will definitely appreciate the small details in the big salad of circumstances.

In a late-night conversation with my husband, it because so profound to me a "silver lining," it opened my eyes and my consciousness for the download to pour into my spirit in a major way. I looked my man in the eyes and said it's better that this happened NOW given the way the world is in and marching towards chaos every day. A year from now what will our medical system and or our country look like. At this moment in time the United States is in a proxy war with "Russia, fought by Ukraine. We are sending insane amount of aid and munitions to Israel, the BRICS nations as of January 1, 2024, are no longer trading with the United States Dollar and the Middle East is fomenting for war. We are in the heat of an election season and the streets are clamoring with every type of shenanigans you can think of. Colds, Flu, RSV, unknown strands of Pneumonia, mental health crisis, and 25-year-olds with Cardio Myopathy is now a new normal. The commercials in this country are dominated by prescription medicine add and nothing is funny, uplifting, or for the empowerment of the human spirit.

How does this impact you and me? Simple, distractions, and fear. With so much in the airways in terms of low vibrational energy it's easy if you play into this nonsense to get caught up in a state of despair. Silver linings are anchor stones, something to anchor a decision or something to anchor confusion. You can only begin as your mind is ready to receive and act. You can only win when you have the will to do so and be ready to go the road alone. No one person, place, thing, or mindset can carry you thru this journey. Only you, well-wishers, prayer warriors, and even your significant partner, or other cannot run this race for you or with you. Healing is a very personal thing; you see the mind is always mightier than the avatar, this meat suit that incases your spirit is a functional biomass enslaved to the will of the consciousness that exists inside of you called your spirit.

I knew without fail the biggest challenge would be the mental war brewing inside of me, past the pain, past the fear, past the doubt, and past whatever the world throws at me this is my time to find me and mold me into the majesty I am to be and not the broken shell that collapsed on the floor of the ICU unit not quite a week ago at the time I am writing this blog.

You don't have to be a super spiritual person or even a religious person to understand that everything happens exactly when it is supposed to be and exactly how you are supposed to see it. Our creator imparts in each one of us individual exactly the message that you need to receive and the order and timing of the message that is only for you. I received my message lying in a bed in a rehabilitation hospital scared and in pain. I knew when I realized I was alone in a room it was NOW or NEVER. The nurse put an alarm on my bed, I had hospital jewelry of every making a spreadsheet I created to track my meds and therapy and a great understanding and conviction of never turning back.

In that moment I knew that I could lie in this bed and waste away doomed to a lifetime of hurry up and wait, or I could decide to choose me first and release the energy of burden to everything and anyone who felt entitled to my energy or chained to my care. You see each one comes at a cost and although the compensation is in relation to the exchange of energy for me, I don't want to owe a soul. I paid my way into this timeline, into my life by placing everything and everyone above my own needs and now as the bill comes due, I cancelled the debt, cancelled the obligation, absolved everyone and everything from the responsibility of caring, praying, worrying, and doing anything.

In this new headspace and in this time of new beginnings it is my time simply to heal, grow, exits, be, and emerge from this temporary chrysalis as the "ME," I always intended to be. You see the only way to break the spell is to understand profoundly that there was a spell placed on my life. I entered into this agreement that told me I had to shrink, be an over achiever, and do more to measure up to some imaginary line of what the world and family and friends upheld and benefited from that I acted as a willing participant in this charade.

No more, and thus So it begins.....

Getting out of my own way, laying down labels, titles, personalities, what have you to feel the sunshine on my face even behind the window of the rehabilitation hospital that I am in at this time.

In a time where you only can depend on what you do for yourself, and what you know to be the best way for you to get to it, get on it, don't stop, don't give in, don't give up, don't listen to the bullshit, don't let others pour their poison in your aura, spirit, consciousness, space.

So it begins.